Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart
Highlights and Reflections from an Incisive Little White and Lime Green Book
Often, when walking past my parents' coffee table, the title of a small white and lime green book would capture my attention.
“Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart”, I would chuckle to myself. “That is genius, funny, and …” when reflecting on my poor decisions, even in my early twenties, “... painfully true.”
Then I would put the book down.
Over the years, every time she spotted me picking up the book, my mother would say something like: “You’ve gotta read this one. We’ve gained so much from this little book.” She would briefly elaborate upon the lessons she and my father drew from the author, Dr Gordon Livingston. I would nod, knowing full-well I wasn’t overly keen to read what I thought was simply another pop-psychology/self-help book.
But after reaching my thirties, and about to leave for Japan to teach skiing for the fourth time, my mother decided to buy me a copy. For days I was alone, travelling, and needed something to read. Once again my mother’s taste in literature didn’t disappoint. More importantly, she knew I would admire Dr Livingston, not only in his ideas and life story, but in the way he writes. Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart, is designed to reveal painful truths about the human condition we want to ignore.
Dr Livingston, a psychiatrist, who served in Vietnam, and a parent twice bereaved; is at times harsh in his analysis of the modern mind, and the institutions and systems that infantilise it. Yet, at least for me; it is this harshness, this devotion to not what reality ought to be, but what it actually is, that is missing in our modern world.
The book is carved into thirty short essays, each with headings, like the title, that are remarkably incisive aphorisms. Every chapter deserved a summary and review, but here are those I found especially meaningful. I recommend you buy a copy; it’s a short read, too (the chapter about him loosing his two sons is heart-rending).
I hope you enjoy it.
Chapter 3
“It is difficult to remove by logic an idea not placed there by logic in the first place.”
Jonathan Haidt, the social and moral psychologist, suggests with Moral Foundations Theory, that much of what is considered choice-driven ethical behaviour based on reason, is in fact instinctual responses engrained by biological evolution and social conditioning. The reasons why are constructed after the initial instinct toward right and wrong, as justifications. Even if one is shown the apparent irrationality of such a belief or action, often the instinct is so strong that one will ignore logic in favour of what feels right. Importantly this instinct - and many other instincts - are so fundamental and rudimentary that they are beneath our conscious awareness; this being a concept most famously popularised by Sigmund Freud.
Dr Livingston proposes the same idea in the context of behavioural patterns that harm the self. The instinct to behave in these maladaptive ways is not only resistant to rational argument - since it is not a rational argument; but the instinct itself is beneath the conscious awareness of the client, and so trying to wrestle with it can be difficult.
This can help explain why people, as Dr Livingston describes, “do the same things today that didn’t work yesterday.” An alcoholic will know that drinking everyday is harming his mental and physical health and even those he loves, but does that stop him? Often it doesn’t.
The short-term strategy to alleviate pain by numbing oneself with alcohol may have been performed over decades, and is now so engrained, that when they feel pain, the options that present themselves to others really may not present themselves to this man: To him there is only the bottle.
From the addicts point of view, even the intention to quit is devised through the filter of being reliant on the drug. When they abstain, withdrawal sets in. To them ‘soberness’ is associated with ‘sickness’; their human drive to achieve homeostasis, to banish sickness, is warped, backward - illogical; and so, they jump back on the drug bus.
A long term cure, first, requires taking responsibility, and second, the integration of new adaptive habits that require persistence, determination, and patience, and this is where the therapist steps in. To provide another option, or series of options, that if taken overtime, will allow a new behavioural instinct to develop - a habit; and an adaptive response to this feeling of pain. Simply telling someone what they’re doing wrong isn’t enough.
However, despite describing the therapists duty, Dr Livingston also impresses upon us a painful possibility in the diverse array of humanity: That in some of us, there is not an inability to change, but a refusal:
“Some ignorance is invincible.”
It may be that some of us won’t change, even if given the opportunity.
Chapter 4
“The statute of limitations has expired on most of our childhood traumas.”
Westerners now broadly accept the power trauma can have over the individual. Everything from nightmares to curious interpersonal styles, can develop and persist long after the inciting (or repeated) incident. Treatments have been developed over the 20th century that can help alleviate one’s symptoms, and enable them to move on, and hopefully, flourish. Together, these are massive victories for the Western psychological establishment.
Yet Dr Livingston suggests that this understanding has morphed into a reliance - a reliance by the individual to use their ‘past traumas’ as an excuse for their current behaviour; to explain why they are poor friends, an irresponsible parent, an unfaithful spouse:
“It is natural to blame our failures on others, especially our parents, because taking responsibility requires an act of will.”
The human mind is averse to the concept that it is us, not anyone else, that has got us into this mess. Dr Livingston emphasises that, no matter the trauma, how horrible and shocking it may be, if one has developed maladaptive behavioural patterns, that harm themselves and others, that they need to take responsibility for these behaviours, so they can change and improve.
Dr Livingston will stop therapy if clients are too connected to the past or have developed too much learned helplessness:
“It is misplaced kindness to offer only sympathy, even when it is clearly justified. It is hope that I’m really selling. If, after extended effort, I cannot persuade someone to buy, I am wasting both our time by continuing”.
In addition, he discusses what seems to me, after completing my first year of seeing clients myself, a fundamental aspect about the relationship between clients and therapists:
“It is arrogant to assume that any of us can work equally well with everyone”.
This is an intuitive belief; understood best I might add, by school children. Certain types of children group together. Whether cut by interest, social status, religion, politics, or ethnicity, humans will naturally get along with, and feel more comfortable around, those similar to them. And so, it is silly to believe that suddenly, this fundamental aspect of human nature will not apply in therapy.
If the vibes off, and does not improve; then maybe a client should see a different therapist. It is likely beneficial to both parties.
Chapter 6
“Feelings Follow Behaviour”
Every pattern of dysfunctional behaviour has genetic and biological influence. Like cardiovascular disease, if a parent suffers from alcoholism, the chances their child will increase dramatically.
This understanding is an artefact of the medical model. Reinforcing this belief, is the evidence that medications will alleviate symptoms, just like a physical condition, if only for a short while.
Yet, as Dr Livingston suggests, the equating of psychological conditions with physical conditions, places the client in a “responsibility relieving state … Little is expected of them…” because “... through no fault of their own they have lost control of their own lives.”
It places a client's loved one in a bind: it would be cruel to encourage your loved one to alter their damaging behaviours if they are just negative consequences of a genetically determined disorder. You wouldn’t say to a person in a wheelchair, “hey pushing you around is a real hassle, why don’t you stop accepting fate and go for a walk every once in a while?”
Dr Livingstonc criticises the medical model for creating disorders that give people excuses for poor behaviour. He uses the example of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD):
“Disorganised, daydreaming procrastinators now have a medical explanation for their inattention and an effective treatment: stimulant drugs. People uniformly report that their spirits are better and that they get more done when taking amphetamine. To which I can only reply ‘me too’.”
Of course, in the case of ADHD, the dysfunction can be so debilitating, that at least for a short while, stimulant medication can improve their day to day lives, until more long term and healthy fixes, like building better habits and selecting the right career (like jobs that require the switching of attention and social interaction), can be achieved.
However, in my one year of seeing clients, several of my classmates and I, assessed clients that believed they had ADHD - and did not. It was clear, in at least some of them, they knew that getting a diagnosis would suggest to themselves, and those around them, that this is why they cannot focus, and are so disorganised.
It would give them an excuse for their poor behaviour, and allow them to not put in the hard work to change.
Dr Livingston generalises the individual case of ADHD, to the entire medical establishment:
“Indeed, we have created a system by which people can be certified by the government as emotionally disabled and eligible for welfare as if they were confined to a wheelchair … This makes sense for those suffering from true mental illness that are out of touch with reality or in the grip of uncontrollable swings of mood. When applied to people who abuse food, alcohol, or other substances, or who simply require medication to control their anxiety, the term ‘disabled’ removes not only any sense of responsibility for overcoming one’s problems, it damages irrevocably the self-respect that comes with the sense of being a free person on the earth, able to struggle with and overcome adversity.”
He emphasises that validating people who feel helpless and hopeless reinforces maladaptive behaviours, and likely determines one to a life of eternal dependency. Shamefully, this approach lacks the respect and dignity an adult and free citizen deserves.
Chapter 11
“The Most Secure Prisons Are Those We Construct For Ourselves.”
When thinking about freedom philosophically, one usually distinguishes between freedom from and freedom to:
Freedom from:
… external forces, barriers, and obstacles (typically imposed by Government, but any authority), that may limit autonomy.
Freedom to:
… pursue and achieve goals (typically provided by Government, but any authority); to exercise autonomy.
Yet what is missed is a key psychological finding: That, at least in a liberal democracy, our autonomy is perhaps defined more by how much we want to be free.
Seldom do we admit to ourselves the psychological forces that prevent us from achieving our goals. Sometimes it is fear, as with starting something new, sometimes it is pleasure, as with quitting junk-food or drugs, and sometimes, it is social desirability - to change and improve may frustrate the trends of friends and family.
“So much of our lives consist of broken promises to ourselves.”
He believes there are two main factors restricting people from reflecting upon what is within their power to change and improve:
First, through a combination of academia, Hollywood melodramas, advertising, baby-boomer parents, and more recently, social media, the classic liberal myth that we can become whoever we want to be, (that did indeed have incredible adaptive value), has gone too far. And it is not the extraordinary or unrealistic heights we may set ourselves that is the problem per se, but the “freezing inertia” we experience when contemplating the distance between our position now, and the place we desire to be. Everyday the mirror leaves us embarrassed and disappointed. To banish these icky emotions, we look for excuses to explain why we are not achieving our goals.
Second, and perhaps most importantly, change is slow, incremental, repetitive, and incredibly boring. People are not willing to sacrifice their easy-going lives, for one of consistent discipline, that lacks the frills and flair of indulgence. Here, I am reminded of one of my favourite Aldous Huxley quotes:
“Actual happiness actually looks pretty squalid in comparison with the over-compensations for misery.”
And this spurred me on to add what I believed to be a relevant third factor: Change and improvement is not cool; and contradicts the popular trends of one’s peers, especially within our social media digi-system. (I remember that, at least within my friend group at school, any evidence that you tried to achieve good grades - let alone studied - would result in a barrage of insults and mockery: To stay cool, you had to toe the ‘cool party-line’.)
Dr Livingston moves on, with another incisive statement:
“We live in a society that has elevated complaint to a primary form of public discourse.”
If one opens their social media feed, often they are barraged with people whining in an attempt to climb the ‘victim-hierarchy tree’. The implication is that our society has become pathetic:
“Voluntary behaviours have been classified as illness so sufferers can be pitied and where possible, compensated.”
From his own experience, Dr Livingston suggests that many people are seeking therapy to receive sympathy, and importantly, to extract an excuse to family, friends, work, whatever, for poor behaviour and the failure to improve.
In his practice Dr Livingston now asks his patients to sign a letter upon their first meeting.:
“I do not get involved with work grievances, lawsuits, custody disputes, disability determinations, or offer legal or administrative proceedings, including work excuses and requests for change in job conditions. If you require a medical advocate for any of the above reasons, you need to hire one elsewhere; I am here to provide therapy.”
This is something that with my own clients in the future, I may too get them to sign.
Chur,
The Delinquent Academic